Many of you already know what happened yesterday and saw it coming in what I wrote, but Dan left us yesterday at around five minutes to 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

There's nothing that can really help me or anybody else from feeling intense devastation, pain, and sadness, but I will tell you how it happened and maybe you will smile a little through your tears.

Dan was supported by a breathing tube and different medications that were essentially keeping him artificially alive. It was a matter of time before his body gave out in spite of all of this support, but no one could say how long. We discussed with the doctors whether or not to keep him on these drugs or to start to remove them and let Dan die naturally...either way he would be comfortable, but in my mind and according to Dan's wishes, removing the support would be one last way for him to take back some control...to let him decide instead of medicine. I wanted to give him that, but as I sat there and they turned down only the blood pressure medication, I agonized over what to do next and thought I couldn't possibly let him go. It seemed like a split second later and without warning the doctor gave a surprised look at the medical monitor and said that Dan had just passed. These monitors have a lot of information on them and I saw the same "0" he did, but I was totally taken aback and couldn't believe he went just like that. The nurses and doctors all had said that people pick their time to go, but I didn't quite believe them until that moment.

I had somewhat of a "typical Susan" reaction. I laughed while I cried and then wondered how I could possibly be laughing. I said "thank you, Dan" over and over because HE decided, and it was clear he was ready and wanted to go on his terms. He amazed me yet again. I think I laughed because I felt a little relief and a profound sense of gratefulness to him for helping us all through that final moment. My mom, his mom, and I were all there, and I told him over and over before and after he was sedated how much everyone loved him and cared about him, and that it was ok to be tired because we know he gave it all he had.

If I could change anything, I would have taken this terrible illness away from Dan and thrown it back into the pits of hell where it belongs, but since I couldn't do that, the only other option was to let him go so this pain could end.

I'm sure many of you are wondering what kind of service we will be having for Dan, and I've just begun to work on that and have some ideas that I think will pay tribute to him, but as you can imagine, this is a tough new kind of day for me, and there are many things to do. Dan is going to be cremated, which gives us a window of time to plan. It is important to me that all of you who knew and loved Dan be able to come and participate in his memorial service, so I will keep you updated in the coming week.

Just as many of you have expressed a loss for words, I am also at a loss when it comes to the thanks I want to give you all. You are some amazing people and I hope to see you soon. Susan